Smell You Later

On Halloween weekend I visited a girlfriend of mine at her adorably quaint apartment. But the minute I walked through her door, I sensed, with my acutely sensitive schnoz, that something was wrong.

Sniff... Sniff...

Somebody -- somebody smelly was here...but who?

"Hiiii!" my friend squealed, wrapping me in a delicious bundle of feminine warmth. Then HE appeared. "This is Jake," cooed my friend. "We traveled together in India two years ago."

Sniff... Cough.

I feel terrible for saying this, but Jake smelled awful. I cringed. Would he try to hug me? God granted me a handshake.

"Nice to meet you, Jake!" I said as cheerily as I could while breathing through my mouth.

Bathing regularly and wearing deodorant were clearly not high on Jake's daily To-Do list. He himself was a cool dude -- quirky, sarcastic, smart, conversant. An enormous bushy beard and generally grungy appearance gave him a Sam Beam-crossed-with-Rip Van Winkle-y look. He'd spent the last 5 months leading trail groups through the wilderness and sleeping on the ground. He'd read a lot of books. When we washed dishes, he refused to use paper towels. All of this, however, could not make up for the dreaded cloud of body odor that loomed ominously about his disheveled person.

I am all for liberal ideals -- peace and love, organic produce, sustainable local agriculture, alternative energy, change! -- but I oppose the freedom to be stinky! "What's so bad about going au naturale? We're humans. That's how we smell," the B.O. advocate might say. But, NO!! That's where they're wrong!! That's NOT how we smell because, dear readers, we, the general public, wear deodorant.

In the sixties, hippies could wallow in the communal glory of each other's general nappiness. They ALL smelled bad, together. And it was beautiful. Today, this is not the case. Hipsters may look a little unkempt, but believe me, they smell awesome. By letting one's bodily flavors ooze untamed from the skin, sit and fester in all of the body's dark sweaty orifices, one produces smells that are, for lack of a better word, GROSS! It's immediately recognizable -- that smell that creeps out after an intense workout or particularly active day. Mmmm...don't you just love the smell of bacteria growing on the body?!! I didn't think so! If the average person can't stand the way you smell, your chances of success in any kind of relationship are going to be slim.

At breakfast, Jake said, "I wonder if my time spent in the wilderness has made me more socially awkward. I can't seem to charm girls the way I used to."

"Or maybe it's the fact that you don't wear deodorant," my friend chuckled.

"That could be it, but I figure the girls who care aren't right for me anyway."

Pity that "the girls who care" make up the majority of the female population. Poor Jakey may find himself endlessly searching for a woman who adores him for all of his smelly goodness, one who is just as, if not smellier, than he... The two of them could be bound together for eternity, their love growing ever stronger with each shower missed!! Ahh romance.

And what about everybody else who cares, meaning the majority of employers and customers and friends and...are specifics really necessary? How can Jake hope to form any kind of relationship -- to progress in a world where human connection is crucial -- if nobody can stand to be around him?

"Come watch Batman Begins with us!" said my friend, whose nostrils clearly weren't as sensitive as mine. Jake was sitting on the couch. I took a baby step into the living room. A wave of Jake-ness hits me. I took a step back.

"Ahhh, you know...I just remember I have tons of homework I have to finish! I'll just be in the other room."

Curiously, over time stinky people seem to get used to their own smells just like a person does with the scent of the perfume they always wear or the smell of the detergent they use. Noses have the magical ability to acclimate (hence, those oblivious cologne-drenched men that one hopes never to be stuck in an elevator with). Hopefully, B.O. fiends don't actually realize the extent of their stinkiness and aren't spreading it around just for shits and giggles. That would be evil!

B.O. is a powerful and dangerous weapon -- it permeates everything it touches, grows and spreads like the black plague (or...anyone remember Dr. Seuss's oobleck?) After several days, my friend's apartment was infiltrated with Jake's "aura". His smell hung in the hallways like an evil invisible fog. By the end of his stay, the couch he'd slept on looked and smelled like some kind of strange biological experiment. I'm not sure a dog would even want to sleep on it. My friend offered to wash his clothes and...you'll never believe it...he refused!!! As if, after stinking up her entire house, he is now too considerate to burden her with this simple chore?? Burning them would have been a better idea, since the one shower he took only tamped down the fumes for an hour or so (and gave the tub a healthy coating of dirt and hair....ewwww.) After he left, my friend had to call a cleaning service to rid her residence of his olfactory presence.

The worst of it was nobody had the heart to tell B.O. guy the truth!! Perhaps if somebody had said, "Dude, you stink!" he would have gotten a clue. But few have the guts to be that brutally honest. Why can't we do it? It's almost as bad as telling someone, "You're overweight," or "You have a giant pimple on your chin that needs popping!" And yet, assaulting someone's personal space with your odorous self, just because you don't feel like bathing, is downright rude. Jake needed a wake-up call. If I'd known him better I would have given him a good talking to. But alas, this wimp must settle for venting her rage on a public blog and hope that the message makes its way to B.O. fiends and victims in need.